One of my absolute favorite things is to sit on my patio and draw while listening to the rain. Sometimes, I don’t even draw. I just sit and watch as the rain falls down. I’ve always loved the rain and probably always will. While it rained last weekend, I sat with the patio door open and laid on my living room floor and drew. I had seen the above picture floating around on Facebook and knew I wanted to try to draw or paint it at some point. Yet, I didn’t want to rush into drawing this picture. There are so many parts to it. So I decided to start with the bluebonnets. 

This took me at least an hour and a half, if not two hours to complete. I actually took my time and this is one of the first drawings that I have not hated when I have first started out. The first thing I drew was the stem of the bluebonnet and figured out where I wanted the top of it to be. I actually saved the bluebonnet itself for last because of how much time I knew it was going to take. I looked up an image on google to get an idea of what I wanted the grass to look like and then started drawing. I took my time. It is amazing what happens when I actually slow down  in order to create something.

My mind is always going a hundred miles an hour and I forget to slow down. Sometimes its as if I think I always have to be that way, including with my art. Its because I have this idea in my head and I want to get it out before I forget it. Well that’s part of the reason. The other part is how faced pace everything is in my life. At my job, I move almost non-stop and have to make split second decisions all the time. When I get home, I try to clean or cook or take care of my husband and my dog and still move at a fast pace. Lately, God has shown me that I need to take time not only for myself but take the time to slow down. It is okay if a drawing takes me two hours to complete. In the two hours, I can focus on one thing at a time and give my mind and body the rest that it needs for the fast pace that is my life. 

As I worked on the grass, I decided that I wanted some different and taller grass to come up around the bluebonnet. I didn’t want these parts to be too tall but just big enough to be seen next to the main focus of the drawing. I originally thought that I might turn them into flowers but they ended up staying as grass. This was a different take on grass and a challenge for me as I had never drawn them before. Both types of grass probably took me thirty minutes to forty minutes to complete. As I drew in a repetitive motion, all me stress from the week started to go away. I was focusing on one thing and not worrying about anything else. My anxiety, which had been high and felt like a rollercoaster most days, was nearly or completely gone as I drew. It is when I am drawing that I find that peace. When I am able to use the talents that God gave me, I find the peace that only He can provide. Growing up, I would draw on and off but I never thought it would become an outlet for me like it has. Sometimes I am amazed that God would allow me to have a talent like this but I am always grateful when I can use it to bring glory to Him. 

What took me the longest was the bluebonnet itself, as I knew it would. When you look at a blue bonnet, you see it for the beauty that it has but when you study it, you actually see how much detail goes into it. There are parts of the bluebonnet that have a white center and parts that are smaller. I looked at an image of a bluebonnet while I drew, eventually I was able to work without looking a the image for the detail but still needed it for the overall shape. This was a challenge for me as there are many different angles that needed to be drawn to get the full effect. I tried to capture the 3D shape that the bluebonnet has. At first, it did not look like bluebonnet at all. I was starting to get frustrated but then I realized that was because I was having to look at everything in detail. I had to look at every little part of this flower in order to create it. Once I was finished, I was finally able to see the shape without feeling frustrated. Originally, I wanted to draw one or two more bluebonnets in the background and attempt to draw a field but seeing as the flower itself had taken a long time to complete, I decided to draw the fence behind it instead. 

After I took a break, I came back to the finished drawing and used watercolor pencils. I had never used them before and quickly found out that I did not draw this on the correct paper. I colored each piece in the order that I had drawn it and once I got done with each section, I took a paint brush, dipped it in water and smoothed out the color. I understand now how to use watercolors, something that I had never been able to figure out before. There is also a specific kind of paper you have to use, so the water does not crinkle or roll the paper. All in all I am happy with how this picture turned out. If nothing else, God used this drawing session to show me how to slow down and focus on one thing at a time. I am still working on that and probably always will. Slowing down is something He has been trying to teach me for a long time but I think I am finally getting better at it. my goal is to draw each element of the image I saw on Facebook individually before I try to tackle to big picture. 

I think that is what we do in life sometimes. We rush to see the big picture, when we should be focusing on the individual pictures. When we do that, we miss out on the small things. God is constantly working in our lives and He is the one who can see the big picture of our lives. He knows everything and will always provide for us, even when we do not see how. “And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus. ” Philippians 4:19 (NLT)

If nothing else, we need to slow down so that we can see the small things and the details that God has placed in our lives. It is when we slow down, for me at least, that I am finally able to find the peace that only He can provide. Proverbs 3:5-6 says “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” (NIV) He is in control of our lives, even when everything seems out of control. What I have found is my life is much more crazy and hectic when I try to control everything. I need to trust Him more. Trust in Him and He will lead you. Will you trust him? I pray that you will.

In the blogs that I have done so far, I have mainly talked about my anxiety and how I deal with it rather than talking about my art. I figured this post would be about a few important lessons that I learned while painting last week. My husband and I have an agreement where each week, we have time to ourselves. We rotate who stays home and who has the car. Last week was my week to be out of the house for quality time with myself, although I didn’t stay out long. I came home and went to the patio to paint. I had watched a Bob Ross episode over spring break and thought I would try some of the techniques for creating a sunset. As I was painting, I realized my sunset was looking really good. I had nearly perfectly blended the orange, yellow and reds together where it looked like the sun. I should have stopped there but I didn’t. 

Lesson #1: Know when to stop blending. 

There is such a thing as too much blending. Instead of stopping when I liked the blending and thought it was really good, I kept going thinking I wasn’t done for some reason. Soon, the red and yellow ran together to make even more orange. I had completely lost the bright white spot at the center of the sun and it no longer had the round feature to it. I attempted to save it. I added light blue, dark blue and purple to the background for the sky. At first it was good. Then the blue ran together with the yellow on the side of the canvas and made an ugly green color. Again, I tried to save it. With a different brush, I tried to cover up the ugly green color with a darker blue or the purple. This is when I should have just started over. 

Lesson #2: Know when to stop! Period! 

I had messed up the painting. I should have just stopped there and allowed it to dry. Perhaps that is another lesson to be learned. Allow the paint to dry before you start blending other colors. I did not want to admit that I had messed up. I felt really frustrated and just wanted to fix it to where it would be better, like it had been when I started. I was determined to fix it. So I kept going. Whenever something is messed up in a drawing, I can just erase it. Painting is completely different. There is no erasing with painting. Or wiping off. I tried. It didn’t work out too well. So, to fix the ugly green color that had now become a big stain on my canvas, I drew a tree on the right side of the canvas.  I wasn’t sure what else to draw on the left side, so I drew an identical tree. If one thing good has come out of this painting, it is that I have gotten better at painting trees. I know where to put highlights, lowlights, how to do the trunk and branches and even how to do different shapes for the leaves. I can really make it my own. Now I wasn’t so frustrated any more because I had something I could look at that I liked. It took me a little bit to do the trees and get them the way I thought they should be. Once they were done, I was happy with it. At least the trees. The background was still a problem. 

Lesson #3: It is okay to walk away from a project. Especially if you are frustrated.

For some reason, I thought I had to keep going. For some reason I felt as if I was not finished yet or that I could not stop until I was finished. This made me frustrated. The background frustrated me. The lack of creativity in the painting frustrated me. The fact that art was frustrating that night frustrated me. I use art to relax and chill out from the day and everything that is going on. Yet that was the farthest thing from where I was emotionally with this painting. I kept going. I added dark green and black for the ground and realized I liked how I had done the grass and moss going up the trees. My husband had made a few suggestions on how to try to fix the background and so I tried them. They did not work.

At this point, I was left with the painting that you see in the cover image and feeling really irritated and annoyed with myself. I started to beat myself up over it. I put the painting on the easel in the dinning room and went to bed. It is actually still sitting there. I still am not completely sure what I am going to do with it. I have an idea to change the sun to a moon and add some pink and white into the painting. I also have the thought to completely paint over it with black or white and do something else. The problem is I really like the trees. I eventually stopped beating myself up. Once I realized the lessons I had learned at least. I need to actually take the time to slow down and learn techniques for creating a sun or sky or landscapes even.

I often move too fast, even in my art, and expect results immediately. I have found that that is also what our society expects. We go 90 miles an hour all day long for seven days a week and we end up wondering why we are so burnt out at our job or with our family or with our lives in general. along with these three lessons, this painting has taught me to slow down and stop. It is okay to stop. It is okay to take time for yourself. It is okay to rest. Genesis 2 says that God created the earth in 6 days. On the 7th day, God rested.  “And on the seventh day God ended His work which He had done, and He rested on the seventh day from all His work which He had done. 3 Then God blessed the seventh day and sanctified it, because in it He rested from all His work which God had created and made.” (Genesis 2:2-3) God did not rest because he needed to. He rested to show us what we need to do. We are not like God in the fact that we do not need rest. We absolutely need rest and we do not get enough of it. This week, I challenge you to find time to rest. Try it for 30 minutes, an hour or even just 5 minutes. It is something we have to work at. It may feel strange at first. I know it still feels weird to me to sit and do nothing but sometimes it is what we need. Give it a try. 

Three weeks ago, I launched this website.

Three weeks ago, I had the worst anxiety I have had in months.

I was anxious over every little thing. I had bad attacks throughout the day and almost every night. I had an attack that lasted for what seemed like five minutes. I cried. I felt alone for most of the week. Even though I wasn’t. Physically, my husband was with me most of the time and God is always with me no matter where I go, but that didn’t prevent me feeling as if I was alone constantly.  I wanted to scream sometimes because of how alone I felt. I didn’t understand why my anxiety was hitting me so hard. It has not hit me this hard in a long time. I usually can handle the attacks with orange oil or breathing techniques or just sitting outside on my patio with my dog. Yet, none of that seemed to help. I felt helpless. I felt as if I was taking two steps back in my battle against my anxiety. Before I started actually dealing with my anxiety, the attacks were really bad and would last for 5 to 10 minutes at a time. Two weeks ago, I felt like I was right back where I started. I keep hoping it is going to get better. 

This week has been just as hard. I woke up at least two days  this week angry and wanting to punch things. I’ve felt more alone this week than I did three weeks ago. I felt ignored by people in my life and felt like they didn’t care, which only made my anxiety worse. This was only the beginning of the week. I feared it would only get worse as the week went on. In some cases, it got better but I was still worn out emotionally and physically by the end of the week. My husband reminded me of something this week. He had said everything would be alright and that I wouldn’t be like this forever. In the moment, when I am so anxious that I can not see past how I feel, it is so hard to believe that. He told me that I am stronger than my anxiety but I didn’t believe him. At least not in that moment. When my anxiety is so high that I can feel it in my shoulders and my chest feels like I am going to explode, it doesn’t feel like I am stronger. That’s when he explained that anxiety fools you. It fools you into believing that you are not strong in order to try to trap you in a constant cycle. 

The thing is though, I am not strong. Not on my own at least. On my own, I am weak and can not do anything. Yet, with God on my side, there are no limits. When I rely on God’s strength to get through the day, things are so much better. When I rely on God’s strength in order to make it one more minute when I am having a major attack, things don’t seem so bad. Sometimes if may feel as if I am taking two steps back but it is those two steps back that help me to remember that I can not rely on my own strength. I have to rely on God. In anything and everything I do, I have to rely on Him! Sometimes it seems as if I can’t get past my anxiety and that I am my anxiety. It is when I take two steps back that God reminds me that He did not create me with a spirit of fear or anxiety.  “For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” 2 Timothy 1:7 (ESV) The power, love and self control (some translations say self-discipline) are elements of the spirit of God. We were created in the Image of God (Genesis 1:27) and so it is natural that we would have elements of God’s spirit as well. He did not create us naturally to be fearful beings. 

Yet we do fear. We do get anxious. We do fear. About everything. It is when we try to do everything on our own, that we fear. We try to control every little thing in our life and when something goes wrong, we panic. The truth is, we are not in control of anything. God is. He is the creator and he has a plan for everyone, even if you don’t know it or even believe it. He does. It is when we try to take control, that things go crazy. 

Philippians 4:6 says, ” Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.” (NLT) When you worry, instead of focusing on the anxiety or the situation, take it to God. Pray about everything that is going on. Ask for the peace that you so desperately need. I am not saying this is easy. Nothing is easy when it comes to anxiety or living a Christian life. But when you live for God and you take everything to him, It is all worth it in the end. Yes, you will still have to work to not have an anxiety attack. Even when I pray to God, I still have to use my oils or my breathing techniques in order to fully calm down. I don’t think that is a bad thing. I don’t think that is a lack of faith on my part. I think it is how I am able to deal with my anxiety. But I still pray. I still try to give everything to God and I still try to thank him for everything he has give me.

I pray for you today.

I pray that if you struggle as I do, that God grants you peace and clarity of mind so that you can see Him as I do. I

pray in Jesus Name,

Amen. 

Sometimes, anxiety makes you feel alone. Correction: most of the time, Anxiety makes you feel alone. It does with me anyway. Growing up, I had always been the strong person in my family. I was strong for my sisters when things were tough, I was strong for my friends when they were hurting and sooner or later it just became a part of me that I didn’t know how to turn off. Being strong, or being tough, became a part of how I functioned and apart of who I was. When my anxiety and depression hit, I found it so much harder to be able to be strong for everyone else around me. Everything became so much harder. Sometimes it was hard to just get out of bed, take a shower and brush my teeth. I needed an outlet. I couldn’t workout or be physically active due to a few reasons and if I had continued to bottle up all my emotions and hide them from everyone, then I eventually would have exploded. So I picked up a pencil one day and just started drawing. I drew how I felt.

I started with the girl.

I felt defeated and full of sorrow.

I drew the girl on her knees. .

I was ashamed of how I felt because I really didn’t know what to do with my emotions. 

I drew the girl’s hair over her face to match how I felt. 

Originally I drew the Girl with her hands over her face. Originally hiding her hands behind her hair. But something didn’t seem right. Something seemed to be missing. I let the Girl sit alone one the page, unfinished, for a few days. I wasn’t sure what to do with it. What was it that was missing? 

 I knew, deep down, that there was more to the drawing that I was creating. After a few days, I returned to the Girl and  I drew the  hands. I have never been very good with drawing hands as they are generally pretty hard to get them right. As a kid, when ever I drew a person I made sure that  his or her hands were hidden behind something. This time, however, I did not hesitate. I stayed with it until the hands were done and the girl was holding on to one of the fingers. She was drawn in pencil, no color yet, so it was easy to change the position of her arms. When It was finished, I sat and stared at it for a few moments. I had not expected what i had drawn when I started days before. I don’t know what I was expecting to draw but it wasn’t this for sure.

My first thought was: “When did I get good at drawing?” I am not trying to brag on my drawing skills, as I am still learning. I just surprised myself at the level this drawing was at because when I drew this, I had not drawn anything in many years. My second thought was “No matter how I feel God is with me and I can hold on to him.” When I started drawing this, I was not in a good place with God. I had almost completely stopped talking to Jesus and felt a lot of anger towards Him whenever I was at church or around my Christian friends or husband. I was angry with Him for allowing my friend to die. I was angry with him for the anxiety that I felt which was partially caused by a number or surgeries I had to have right in a row earlier that year. I was angry that I couldn’t control my emotions anymore. I was angry at how my anxiety and depression made me feel and that I had prayed for God to take it away from me but He hadn’t done that yet. (He still hasn’t by the way. This is something I still deal with.) I wanted to feel like myself again. I wanted to be able to be the strong person I had always been and not be this person who, in my mind, was weak. (Please do not mistake my words for me calling anyone with anxiety or depression weak. This was my mindset about myself, not about others who deal with this.) At this point in time, I felt like God was ignoring me and that I no longer mattered or that he was ashamed of me like I was ashamed of myself. Showed me that my way of thinking was wrong. 

Through my own drawing, God was speaking to me. He was telling me that no matter what I was loved. No matter was I was wanted. No matter what He had me in His hands and I could hold on to him as tightly as possible. The Creator of the universe wanted my attention that day and wanted me to know how much I meant to Him.

Through this drawing, I realized my outlet for how I felt and what to do with my emotions was no longer working out or being active but drawing. I could take a simple piece of paper or canvas and draw or paint how I felt. I no longer had to hold my emotions in and I didn’t have to lay my emotions out on my sleeve any longer. I could, if just for a little bit, feel like myself again. When I draw, the rest of the world seems to fade away and nothing else matters. Its just  me and my pencil and paper laying everything out before my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.