Three weeks ago, I launched this website.

Three weeks ago, I had the worst anxiety I have had in months.

I was anxious over every little thing. I had bad attacks throughout the day and almost every night. I had an attack that lasted for what seemed like five minutes. I cried. I felt alone for most of the week. Even though I wasn’t. Physically, my husband was with me most of the time and God is always with me no matter where I go, but that didn’t prevent me feeling as if I was alone constantly.  I wanted to scream sometimes because of how alone I felt. I didn’t understand why my anxiety was hitting me so hard. It has not hit me this hard in a long time. I usually can handle the attacks with orange oil or breathing techniques or just sitting outside on my patio with my dog. Yet, none of that seemed to help. I felt helpless. I felt as if I was taking two steps back in my battle against my anxiety. Before I started actually dealing with my anxiety, the attacks were really bad and would last for 5 to 10 minutes at a time. Two weeks ago, I felt like I was right back where I started. I keep hoping it is going to get better. 

This week has been just as hard. I woke up at least two days  this week angry and wanting to punch things. I’ve felt more alone this week than I did three weeks ago. I felt ignored by people in my life and felt like they didn’t care, which only made my anxiety worse. This was only the beginning of the week. I feared it would only get worse as the week went on. In some cases, it got better but I was still worn out emotionally and physically by the end of the week. My husband reminded me of something this week. He had said everything would be alright and that I wouldn’t be like this forever. In the moment, when I am so anxious that I can not see past how I feel, it is so hard to believe that. He told me that I am stronger than my anxiety but I didn’t believe him. At least not in that moment. When my anxiety is so high that I can feel it in my shoulders and my chest feels like I am going to explode, it doesn’t feel like I am stronger. That’s when he explained that anxiety fools you. It fools you into believing that you are not strong in order to try to trap you in a constant cycle. 

The thing is though, I am not strong. Not on my own at least. On my own, I am weak and can not do anything. Yet, with God on my side, there are no limits. When I rely on God’s strength to get through the day, things are so much better. When I rely on God’s strength in order to make it one more minute when I am having a major attack, things don’t seem so bad. Sometimes if may feel as if I am taking two steps back but it is those two steps back that help me to remember that I can not rely on my own strength. I have to rely on God. In anything and everything I do, I have to rely on Him! Sometimes it seems as if I can’t get past my anxiety and that I am my anxiety. It is when I take two steps back that God reminds me that He did not create me with a spirit of fear or anxiety.  “For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” 2 Timothy 1:7 (ESV) The power, love and self control (some translations say self-discipline) are elements of the spirit of God. We were created in the Image of God (Genesis 1:27) and so it is natural that we would have elements of God’s spirit as well. He did not create us naturally to be fearful beings. 

Yet we do fear. We do get anxious. We do fear. About everything. It is when we try to do everything on our own, that we fear. We try to control every little thing in our life and when something goes wrong, we panic. The truth is, we are not in control of anything. God is. He is the creator and he has a plan for everyone, even if you don’t know it or even believe it. He does. It is when we try to take control, that things go crazy. 

Philippians 4:6 says, ” Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.” (NLT) When you worry, instead of focusing on the anxiety or the situation, take it to God. Pray about everything that is going on. Ask for the peace that you so desperately need. I am not saying this is easy. Nothing is easy when it comes to anxiety or living a Christian life. But when you live for God and you take everything to him, It is all worth it in the end. Yes, you will still have to work to not have an anxiety attack. Even when I pray to God, I still have to use my oils or my breathing techniques in order to fully calm down. I don’t think that is a bad thing. I don’t think that is a lack of faith on my part. I think it is how I am able to deal with my anxiety. But I still pray. I still try to give everything to God and I still try to thank him for everything he has give me.

I pray for you today.

I pray that if you struggle as I do, that God grants you peace and clarity of mind so that you can see Him as I do. I

pray in Jesus Name,

Amen.