Anxiety can be overwhelming and can come when you are least expecting it. It comes out of nowhere and sometimes you don’t know why. Or at least that is how it is for me. Sometimes my anxiety is triggered by situations that I am dealing with at work or at home. Sometimes it is triggered by inner thoughts that I don’t even realize I’m thinking about. It is only when a wave of cold anxiousness and nervousness overcomes me that I can even begin to acknowledge what is going on. Usually I can figure out what is wrong and can use my techniques to calm myself down in order to get over the anxiety wave but that is not always the case.
This morning, as my husband and I were watching tv, a wave came over me. First I felt it in my shoulders and then in my chest. I tried to breath normally and keep up a face that I was okay. I didn’t want to ruin our morning relaxing and I didn’t understand why I was feeling this way to begin with. My heart was beating faster as I tried to enjoy the show we were watching. I haven’t gotten to spend time with my husband much this week because he has been working and I didn’t want to miss relaxing with him because of my anxiety. I tried to push it to the side and not worry about it but that seemed impossible. Why was I so anxious? I had been anxious last night. That was from being around a crowd of people when I had been by myself most of the week. This morning, it was just the two of us. I had no reason to be anxious. Everything was going great and I should have been relaxing and at peace. Yet I wasn’t. The anxiety inside me felt like a storm spinning around and around. My chest got tighter and my shoulders felt colder. I had to focus to breath in order to get through it. I started thinking about what had made me so anxious and as I reached for my orange oil, it hit me.
The website.
Today, I am publishing this website. Today, I am sharing my words with the world. Today, I am allowing the whole world access to my inner most thoughts, not just in words but with my art. Some of the drawings that I will share and display have not been shown to anyone except my husband. It is a huge step to show the whole world what you think and how you feel and it is something I have never done before. So many things ran through my head this morning.
What happens if it fails?
What will I do if everyone hates it?
What if I run out of things to talk about?
What if I am not good enough to do something like this?
These things ran through my mind as I reached for the computer to start typing. Writing this blog now, has clamed my mind and helped me get my thoughts out of my head and onto “paper”. That’s what my art does for me. I don’t always know what I am going to write or draw but when I am anxious and I pick up a pencil or a brush or start typing, in the end, I feel so much better than I did before. This is becoming my new outlet.
Some may wonder why am I doing this if it fills me with so much anxiety?
Because I have this desire to show my work off to people. Not so much so they can see what I have done but so I can have a chance to tell other people about Jesus and what He has done in my life. God has not given me a spirt of fear. The Bible says in 2 Timothy 1:7, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.” (NLT) I am not called to live in a spirit of fear but rather in one of love, power and self-discipline. I am, as a Christian, called to live out my life showing love to others, having self-discipline and living in the Power of Christ. I try not to live in my own power. When I live in my own power or my own strength, I get anxious. I get scared and I second guess myself. When I live in the Power of Christ, knowing all that He has done for me, nothing can change that. If Christ is on my side, then who can stand against me? What do I have to be afraid of if I am following God?
I have nothing to fear and yet sometimes, I still do. It is in those moments that God comes to me as a loving father and comforts me. He comes and wraps His arms around me and tells me that everything will be okay. Sometimes I don’t believe him. Sometimes I get mad at him because of the things I have to go through. Sometimes I still get mad at him for allowing my to still struggle with my anxiety.
Yet, maybe there is a purpose for it. Maybe, me going through the things that have happened the past few years and struggling with anxiety, all lead me to creating this website and wanting to tell others about living with anxiety and my relationship with God. This website gives me a chance to share my testimony in a unique way. In a way that I have never done before. I have this feeling inside of me that if I don’t do this website, that I am not doing my part. If I don’t do this because I am scared of all the unanswered questions, then my anxiety wins. The enemy wins and I don’t further God’s Kingdom by using the gifts he has given me. So even if I am scared or anxious, this website will be published. I am doing this because of what God has done for me. If it fails, at least I tried. If everyone hates it, at least Jesus loves it. If I run out of things to talk about, maybe that’s God telling me I’m done. If I’m not good enough for the world, I know that I God loves me as I am and He is enough for me.
Anxiety can be overwhelming but don’t let it stop you from doing what you are called to do.