20
Nov, 2019

Never Alone

Have you ever walked into a room full of people and just felt completely alone. Its the kind of feeling that you could walk into a stadium of people and feel like you are the only one there. Have you been there?

That is exactly how I felt this past Sunday.

I work with the youth at my church on Sunday and Wednesday nights. This past Sunday, we were all gathered around talking, like we usually do but I felt completely alone. There were probably 10-13 people in the room talking and laughing but I felt invisible. It didn’t matter who I talked to or how much I was involved in the conversation, I felt like I was totally alone.

I also felt like I was totally alone in how I felt too.

My chest felt tight and at times it felt hard to breath. I tried to keep up conversation in order to not let on to anyone about how I felt. Sometimes I’m good at hiding it. Other times, I’m not. Depends on the situation and the people around me. 

All I wanted to do was curl up and cry. I wished I was back in bed, hiding from the world and going back to sleep. 

After church, my husband was driving and asked me to put on “God Only Knows” by For King and Country. We had heard it a few times the previous days so I wasn’t sure why he wanted to listen to it again. (Check out the version with For King and Country and Dolly Parton!) So I found the song and played it. After listening to it for a moment or two, I realized why he wanted the song to play. 

He was wanting me to listen to it. Not just sing along with a song that I know fairly well but to actually listen to what the message of the song is. 

This song speaks to those who feel alone and feel as if no one else understands what they are going through. 

One part that stood out to me as the end of the first verse “Nobody, nobody, nobody sees you

Nobody, nobody, nobody would believe you” 

Hearing this part resonated with me on how I was feeling. I felt like no one saw me Sunday. That I was invisible and didn’t matter. ( I know that is not true but that is how I felt) I didn’t think anyone would believe how I felt. It seemed like people might try to dismiss how I was feeling instead of trying to understand it. 

The first part of the chorus says: 

God only knows what you’ve been through

God only knows what they say about you

God only knows how it’s killing you

But there’s a kind of love that God only knows

God only knows what you’ve been through

God only knows what they say about you

God only knows the real you

There’s a kind of love that God only knows

The most powerful part of this whole song, for me anyway is when it starts talking about the love that God knows. Only God can love us the way He does. Even when we feel totally and completely alone, He is there with us. He was with me Sunday, regardless if I knew that or felt it or not. He is a loving God who will never leave you. 

He knows everything you have been through. 

He knows everything people say about you. 

He knows who you really are. 

Psalm 139:13“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.” 

He is the One who created you. He created me. He knows the number of hairs you have on your head. He knows you better than you know yourself. 

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you or forsake you” (Deuteronomy 31:6).

No matter what is going on in your life, cling to this one truth: He will NEVER leave you! Even if everyone else around you does, He won’t. Whatever He brings you to, He will bring you through it. This is what I had forgotten Sunday. This is what the song reminded me of. God used the song to remind me of His love and how much He cares for me. 

Another song that God brought up this week is “Another in the Fire” by Hillsong. The basic message of the song is that no matter what you are going through, God will be right there with you. There is actually a line that says you are never alone. This is is what stood out to me in this song. But also the part that is the title of the song “There was another in the fire standing next to me.” 

This song is based on a story of three friends in the book of Daniel 

 In Daniel 3, three men, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, refused to bow to the idols of the king in Babylon. The king gave them another chance and when they refused, the king had them thrown into a firey furnace. While they were in the furnace, they saw another man in there with them. 

(Daniel 3:24-25) 

24 Then King Nebuchadnezzar leaped to his feet in amazement and asked his advisers, “Weren’t there three men that we tied up and threw into the fire?”

They replied, “Certainly, Your Majesty.”

25 He said, “Look! I see four men walking around in the fire, unbound and unharmed, and the fourth looks like a son of the gods.”

No matter what happens, God will be right in the fire next to you. He will comfort you, guide you lead you. Psalm 23:8 says “You prepare a table before me    in the presence of my enemies.” 

We are never left on our own to defend ourselves. God is always there helping us and protecting us. The times when we feel like we are completely alone are the times that we need to cling to these truths the most. Satan likes to use our emotions to make us think that God is not there and that He does not care about us. That is so far from the truth and is a lie from hell. 

The next time you feel completely alone, talk to God. look up any of these verses or listen to these songs to remind yourself that you are never alone. 

God is always with you. 

I pray you remember that this week. 

I pray you have a wonderful and great Thanksgiving. 

Please let me know how I can pray for you. 

Until next time, 

God Bless. 

13
Nov, 2019

One thing at a time.

Life lately has been so crazy and chaotic. I feel like I have said that a lot lately but it is still very true. I’ve been so busy with work and church and my own personal life that I have not had a moment to breath yet alone work on anything for the art studio. It will probably only get worse once the holidays start.

Lately I have felt depressed. For the better part of a week or so, I woke up feeling frustrated and depressed and the feeling was with me all day. I would go through my day to day routine but I was not enjoying any of it. I was simply going through the motions and trying to “fake it til you make it” but that generally did not work.

I struggled with this for about about a week and a half before I was finally able to put my feelings into art. It always seems that when I can show how I feel in art, that I finally start feeling better. This particular piece was done digitally.

(I am starting to play around with digital art more but traditional is still my favorite.)

I started off by drawing the girl, who in this case is me. Generally when I am drawing a woman in the picture, she is representative of me. If the piece is for someone else, I make it representative of them. I think it means more that way. For someone to be able to connect with my art because I placed them in it.

When I started drawing, I honestly didn’t know what I was drawing or where it was going to go. That is really how it starts most of the time. I start by drawing a few shapes and it becomes something completely different than what I originally thought it would be. Sometimes I completely surprise myself. I like to think that this is how God ministers to me sometimes. By using my hands to draw an image that He knows will speak to me on a spiritual level.

The girl took me about 2 hours to get right and then the thought bubbles took me about 30 minutes to complete. Once the whole thing was finished, I sat there looking at it and finally realized how I had been feeling.

I was burnt out.

I felt as if I had a million things to do, not enough time to do them, and no one to help me complete any of them. It felt like my responsibilites were caving in and I had no where to go. So I emotionally, mentally and spiritually just sat down and put my head down praying that everything would just somehow go way.

This is not the case of course. My responsibilities are still there and sometimes I still feel burnt out and like everything is caving in. I have to learn how to say no to certain things when I can or how to delegate things to those around me. But most importantly, I need to learn how to rely on God. When we try to take on the whole world and try to do everything on our own or all at once, we get burnt out. We get overwhelmed. We are not meant to do anything on our own. In fact, we can not do anything on our own.

“Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing.”

John 15:5

God is who we need to find our strength from. He is the One who provides everything for us. He gives us peace, courage, love, joy and all the other Fruits of the Spirit. (See Galations 5:22-23) If we are not walking with Him on a daily basis, then we will fall apart. We will be like fruit that has fallen off a vine too early and wither away.

God has so much more for you than that. God desires you to walk with him daily. He longs for a relationship with you. If you walk with Him, He will provide everything you need in order to face this world. Does that mean that your life is going to be perfect? Far from it. In fact it may get harder at times but you will have a loving God with you every step of the way.

I pray you know Him like I do.

I pray you find strength in Him if you are feeling burnt out lately.

I pray someone leads you to Christ if you do not know him.

How can I pray for you?

comment below or send me an email or message. I would love to pray for and with you.

Until next time,

God Bless.

5
Oct, 2019

Burnt Out

Feeling Alone

The last two months have been crazy! I did not realize until this week just how crazy everything has been. I have not slowed down since school started in August or since I found out I was going to be in this art show. (Which I am still excited about.)

This week was probably the hardest week I have had in a long time. I was getting frustrated at everything thing, even the little things. I was crying at the drop of a hat and woke up every morning feeling extremely depressed. It honestly felt like I was going crazy. I didn’t draw or paint or anything until Wednesday when I drew the picture attached with this post. I didn’t feel like drawing anything. I was either too tired from work or getting ready fro the show or crying and curled up in bed.

Usually I know how to handle my anxiety when it goes crazy but depression is another issue all together. The techniques I use to over come my anxiety generally don’t work to overcome my depression. I finally drew the girl on the ledge when I had some time for me. Even though it was only a 30 second sketch in pen, I was able to show how I felt. It was the first time all week I had been able to do that.

It was then that I realized how burnt out I am. With work. With Art. With church. With everything that requires something of me because all I have been doing for the last two months is taking care of other people and making sure they are okay and have whatever they need. I haven’t stopped long enough to do something I want to do, not because I am in a show or because someone wants something but because I want to do it.

For the first time in a long time, I am seeing the value in rest and alone time. I’ve always known that these things are important but this time it has hit me really hard. God has shown me that if I do not get rest and time alone with Him, I fall into depression because I am trying to do everything myself.

So for the week after the art show, I am taking time for myself. I already have a day picked out. It may be something like taking myself out to dinner or just sitting on my patio listening to music. Whatever it is, I am doing it for me. Because I need to take care of myself too.

If you have ever felt like this and been where I have been this week, please find time to take care of yourself and rest. Rest is important and God made us to rest. He rested on the 7th day after creation, not because He needed it but because He was demonstrating what He knew we would need. Genesis 2:2-3

Jesus went off to be alone by himself several times in the New Testament. One particular time, it was after he had been teaching and preaching all day to large crowds of people and he needed to rest.

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 
29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 
30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Matthew 11:28-30

I pray that you find rest this week. I pray the same for myself.

Until next time, God bless.

11
May, 2019

The Rose Tea Cup

My husband bought me roses this week, just because. I love roses.

This week, while stressful, has not been too bad as far as my anxiety and depression have been concerned.  I actually managed to take some time for myself and draw on Tuesday evening.  

I started off wanting to draw a rose. My husband had gotten me some roses when we were shopping just because he knows I like them and I decided I wanted to draw one or two of them. I took pictures of the Rose’s at different angles and went to my spot outside to draw. 

I looked at the picture of the single rose and attempted to draw it. I worked for a few minutes and then realized things were not going as I had planned them. The pedals didnt really look like pedals. The looked more ridged and harsh. So I set the picture aside and tried to draw it based on what I thought the flower should look like. 

I took a deep breath and tried to relax. I was getting frustrated because things weren’t going as planned. I thought if I relaxed and loosened my grip on my pencil things would work out better. While I was relaxed and the pencil started moving better and my lines weren’t as ridged, the pedals of the rose still weren’t working. I erased and drew lines over and over until I stopped and realized my lines were no longer a rose but a tea cup. 

This really frustrated me at the time because I didnt want to draw a tea cup. I wanted to draw a rose. I had a big plan for the rose. I was gonna draw it first and then once I had figured it out, I was going to draw it on a 5×5 canvas and paint it with oil paints. (Something jve been wanting to do for awhile.) But things didnt go as planned. I ended up with a tea cup instead. Being frustrated, I erased the tea cup and started working on my personification of anxiety.  Yet, now I wish I hadnt erased it because there is a lesson in the tea cup. 

We make plans all the time. We decide what we are going to do and when we are going to do it and we try to keep everything so perfectly in line with our plans that it drives us crazy. 

Yet we are not in control. 

God is. 

Thats why it drives us crazy and is exhausting trying to keep everything in line and exactly where we want it. 

So if we are not in control of our lives or of things that happen, why do we constantly try to make everything perfect and the way we want it? 

Part of it, I think is that we are stubborn as humans. I know I am at least. If I want something, I keep going after it even if it feels like I’m hitting my head against a wall. 

There are reasons God closes doors that we thought we wide open. He doesnt always give us a reason, which can be really frustrating.  The thing I struggle with the most is not knowing why something happened or didnt happen. Why did my friend have to die at a young age?
Why did my husband have to lose his job?
Why did I have to get placed at a different school than the one I had been working at with one of my closest friends? 

Life is full of whys and some of which we will never get the answers to until we get to Heaven. 

Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the plans I have for you, declare the Lord, Plans for welfare abs not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” 

Often times we stop at that verse. Which is a great verse because it tells us that God is in control and everything that happens, he knows about and is for our good. He does not do anything for evil or to bring us harm. Yet if we go one to two verses further, we find out more. 

Jeremiah 29:12-13 says ” Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.” (ESV) 

We will go through things. We will go through hard things but we are not alone in them. 

Personification of Anxiety.

Anxiety and Depression lie to us. They make us feel as if we are going through everything alone and that no one cares l, least of all God. But if we look to the scriptures, we know that isnt true. Not only does He have plans for us that are for our good, but He will never leave us. Isaiah 41:10-13 says exactly that. Hebrews 13:6 says ” Do we can confidently say, ” The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?” 

No matter what happens, God is with us.  When we call on the name of Jesus, who shall we fear? When we call on the name of Jesus, what can stand against us? 

No matter what you may be going through, you are not alone. Maybe what you wanted to happen didn’t, or something you were praying wouldn’t come to pass did. Know that God is in control and His plans for you are good. It may hurt for awhile but God is there. Call on His name. He will hear you. 

Until next time, God bless.

4
May, 2019

Fighting Depression

Depression makes you not want to do anything. When I’m anxious, generally I can focus my anxiety into art. It is so much harder to do that with depression.

For me, after I’ve been extremely stressed out and anxious for a long period of time, depression hits. I feel a weight on my chest that just doesn’t seem to go away. Nothing I think of to do sounds good. I should work on my blob, but I don’t feel like I have the energy. I should draw or paint because it will make me feel better but that feels like too much effort. Besides, what if it doesn’t help?

Depression talks to me and tells me everything is pointless. She says things like, “You don’t really want to do that do you?” or “You don’t have the energy to do anything.” She even goes as far to say things like, “No one cares about you!” and “You are all alone!”

After listening to Depression for even a little bit, it is so hard not to feel alone. That’s the trap isn’t it? You say you aren’t going to listen and you try to stay strong against Depression, but then something catches your thoughts and before you know it, Depression has you in her claws.

It makes me feel alone. Like I’m the only one in the room. Or even the world. I could be in a crowded room or stadium and if I’m depressed, still feel all alone. That’s the thing about Depression. She is a thief who steals our joy our attention and if we let her, our time. Its hard to fight something when you don’t believe you have the energy or don’t feel like doing anything but curling up in a ball and crying.

That’s when we have to rely on God’s strength. Something I should have done the other night. Something I try to do each day. Some days are easier than others while some days are really hard. Yet, we only have one life to live. We only live this life that God has given us once and I am tired of missing things because of my depression. Or at least feeling like I’m missing things.

I have to make a decision each day to rely on God’s strength and not my own. I can not do anything apart from him. I need his strength to be able to fight back the things I can not fight on my own. Left to my own devices, depression and anxiety would consume me. Yet, it is because of God that I have the courage to even fight against my anxiety and depression, yet alone speak to people about it.

Maybe that will be my next art project. A series where Depression and Anxiety are fighting to conquer me but with God’s help I fight back.

I pray for you this week. I pray that you will seek after God’s strength. I pray if you struggle with anxiety and depression like I do, that you get the support and help you need. I pray God will light your path this week, guide and protect you.

Until next time,

God Bless.